Day 26

Another week has snuck by me and I have failed to post. I am failing miserably at this! But I have an excuse this time--a legitiment one, I swear!

Let's get down to the nuts first. Weighed in on Monday and wasn't feeling positive about it. After hurting myself and not going to the gym two days in a row I was prepared to not lose any weight this week. And I didn't. I gained, as a matter of fact, .3 pounds. Did I walk away and cry? No. Did I ask why? No. Did I stay up the whole next night tossing and turning wondering what I could have done wrong and what do I need to do different? Ok, yes, possibly.

Then I got sick. Not a usual head cold that I get this time of year with my germ infested children give me, but the kind that knocks you on your ass and makes you think you've seen Jesus, Mother Mary, Abraham Lincoln and Morgan Freeman (he is God after all!).

Getting sick like that was a horrible set back that scared me to my core. What if I don't bounce back and slack even more on the gym? I was so scared of losing my momentum that after one full day in bed I convinced myself and my body that I was better. So I hit the gym the very next day feeling 100 times better. And the next day was Zumba, finished it like a champ. I just knew I was feeling better. So glad it was a 24 hour thing...

But it wasn't. After two days of fooling myself I was better my body had other ideas. Completely shut down. Well, not a shut down. Everything inside decided to come out. Coughing, puking, sneezing, all of it happened. (Thank goodness nothing came out of the "other" exit!) I tossed and turned all night suffering from these ailments and all the while begged myself to get better, just enough to make it to the gym the next morning. This is how my brain was computing:

12:33am: Ok, just puked, maybe it will be better. I sleep now, get 6 hours I'll be ok by morning to go to gym.

1:25am: Even though I just coughed so hard I puked again, I can still get 5 hours. Gym still a possibility.

2:02am: 4 1/2 hours. Puked again, might not have enough fuel for gym but if I sleep now and drink a smoothie in the morning I'll be fine. Maybe the coughing will have stopped.

2:39am: Ok, so what if I'm sweating. Sweating is good right? Can't stop coughing though. 4 hours, just under 4 hours. That's enough sleep to get through a work out if I nap afterwards.

3:16am: Will this coughing stop? Why does my body hurt so bad? Who came in here and beat me with a bat while I dozed the last 20 minutes? Is 3 hours enough sleep to still go to gym and not pass out?

4:22am: Can't stop coughing. At least I stopped puking. Can I still make the gym? 2 hours. I can still get two hours. You are crazy, Leslie you know that? What the fuck is wrong with you?

5:49am: Alarm is going off in 45 minutes. I think I'm going to have to skip the gym. Dammit.

6:30am: My daughter doesn't need to go to school, if I just casually hit my alarm's off button, no one will ever know.

See that mentality? I think I might be losing it mentally. My grip is too tight. And I have that mentality with food too. I need to loosen up and not stress about it so much. Taking a day (or two) off from working out because I'm sick isn't going to kill me as long as I get back in there when I'm better. Eating a higher calorie chicken noodle soup and crackers isn't going to completely kill me and my diet. That's all I ate yesterday and I stressed about it all day and night. LOOSEN UP, LESLIE!

Maybe it's the stress of doing it "right" got me sick and not my germ infested children. Of course I'm thinking it's a little of both. Stress depletes your immune system and then the germy kids crawling all over me... yea... recipe for the sickies.

This next week is going to be better. It has to be. I've enjoyed Jesus, Mary, Abe and Morgan but it's time they went back home and I start (again!) my journey to a better life and maybe have a little fun with it instead of stressing so much about getting it done right.