Day 3

I have a weight-loss journal. You know the kind you write your food down and they ask you questions like: "What are your goals for the week?" and "What will help you reach your goals" and of course my favorite, "How would you rate the day?"

You want me to rate my day? Well alrighty then.

I'm going to give it a 2...

Let's count with Mr. Stone Cold... One, two.

It was a rough, rough day. I woke up before my alarm and wanted to scream. No, I didn't go to sleep like I wanted at 10:30, it was almost 1am when I finally fell asleep. Another sleep goal failure. *I've got to try better on this!*

And then Zumba was at 8:30. I didn't want to go. My body hurts so freakin' bad I wanted to rest, give my body a break from all this gung-ho bullshit. But I didn't. I pushed myself out the door and to that damn class and worked through the pain.

And be damned if I didn't feel better afterwards.

And then something amazing happened... my appetite returned in full force. I have been so hungry all day. After eating breakfast before zumba, I came home after and had a fruity protein shake, then monster sandwich for lunch (more salad then sandwich but still amazing), fruit, pretzels, cereal for dinner (it's what I wanted!) and then the most amazing chocolate-peanut butter shake I've ever had. And I don't usually do chocolate but, wow. I feel like I cheated on my eating today. The pretzels were an indulgence that I could afford though, and the shake... that just felt wrong, so very wrong yet it was good, so very good! But it was all within Weight Watcher's diet. What the hell? If I actually lose weight from this diet I'm going to hunt down Jennifer Hudson, tackle her and kiss her all over and yell, "You were right! You were right!"

Yes, I got off my ass and moved today. Not only moved but sweated. Sweated? Is that a word? Sounds weird... Anyway, yes, I got my appetite back and am actually eating again which I have to assume is a good thing so maybe my brain will know it will still get fuel and then tell the fat in my body to go away. Moving and eating, two good things for me, right?

Then why do I feel so crappy? My body hates me right now. It's threatening a strike. I'm sure I'm going to wake up tomorrow to find my legs completely walked away from me. I am so scared of burn out. But I have to assume it's so difficult right now because it's all new. I'm not used to moving this much. I have to assume next week will be easier, and the week after that even easier. The sick obsessive part of me though will keep pushing. I am in a competition after all and I intend to do well. I believe my body will be hating me for the next 3 months.

But then I will be loving my body again because I will fit into those jeans that I believed for so long were out of reach. I will go to Florida this summer and not be ashamed to be in a bathing suit. All the pain and sweat and suffereing will be worth it.

My little victory of the day: I did it. I got up when I didn't want to and fucking did it.

Day Three... Done.

Day 2, Part 2

It's 9:15pm. I am exhausted.

Today has been... a learning experience to say the least. I learned my body can do more then I thought. I learned my cravings for certain things can be satisfied without completely going off the diet.

First the exercise. Yes, the walk earlier in the day was invigorating and absolutely what I needed. And that would have been sufficient exercise for the day but I pushed it and went to the gym tonight. After 25 minutes on the eliptical machine I thought my legs were going to give out on me. I'm not being sarcastic, I thought I was going to walk on the ground and face plant. But I didn't. I even went on to do more exercises. I am shocked as what my body can do. But now I'm terrified I'm going to overdo it. I need to find a pace for myself that works. And one that I can maintain for the next 3 months if I want to succeed at this weight-loss challenge and not burn myself out.

Food? *sigh* Still struggling. I felt like I ate a lot today. Cereal in the morning, a great sandwich for lunch, protein/fiber bar for snack and a delicious dinner that I swear did not taste like "diet" food.

Picture a bit dull but let me tell you... beef & broccoli is yummy!

I am one satisfied customer. Except again... haven't eaten all my points. How the hell do people do it? I hope I'm not shooting myself in the foot here and hindering my weight-loss by not eating. I even had dessert! Ugh, I hope it gets easier. But I can tell you, I have drank my 8 glasses of water and then some. Easy peasy there! Now excuse me while I go pee for the 22nd time today...

Time management sucked again today. I thought it would get better but it didn't. Of course it is just day 2.

Last on my "goal" list is sleep. I intend to be in bed by 10:30pm. That's an hour from now and I absolutely think that is going to happen. YAWN!

Day 2... Done.

Day 2, Part 1

Today started like every other day of my life, which was unfortunate.

I already broke one rule I made about this diet thing... I was going to get sleep. Last night I swore I was going to be in bed asleep by 11pm. I was even yawning like crazy at 10:30. I was on the downhill slope, it was going to follow my rule I was most scared of obeying.

And then Hugh Jackman happened. My husband turned on the movie Real Steel and he told me that if I wanted to go to bed that he'd watch it with me again in the morning. I said, "Good plan." And that was the end. I was gone. The movie (Hugh Jackman) pulled me in. The plot (Hugh Jackman) was interesting and the morale of the story (Hugh Jackman) was completely endearing. It was over by 1am, two hours past my planned bedtime, which put my actually falling asleep time close to 2am.

I suck.

This morning came too soon--waking up at 6:30am with my kids, ugh--I drank a bottle of water thinking I would stay motivated through the morning. It wasn't raining and I wanted to take the dog on a walk, get moving, you know?

I suck.

I fell asleep on the recliner and slept for over an hour... like I do every other morning... like I told myself I wasn't going to do once I started this diet. Bleh.

I suck.

And then, I woke up from my nap with vigor and determination. I was still going to walk. I had to.  So, I got myself dressed, my son dressed and took him to school. And from the school I walked. And I walked some more. My feet hurt, my butt hurt, and I had a raging headache from lack of sleep. But I did it. 1.71 miles total. Amazing. *high five*

Now that I got moving I need to focus on food. This is my true struggle. It's not really about eating the right stuff but eating enough of it. My day ended with 4 points remaining on my daily WW allowance. That is a big no-no. Eat all your points! they say. Well, hell. It's difficult!

My body is going to remain in starvation mode and not let go of this weight. I'm trying to rewire my brain to convince myself that I am hungry for a real breakfast (bowl of Special K this morning) and again at noon (now--which I have no desire to eat) and I should have a snack in the afternoon (which I need to force myself to have), and then I'll want to eat dinner. I don't see that happening.

And want to know another bitch? Time management. I suck at it. Trying to figure out my food and exercise needs and then my kids' food needs and homework and chores and then play referee most the afternoon... I'm not sure how I'll juggle it all.

My wise friend said to me yesterday, "We're fumbling now but pretty soon we'll have more energy and get things done more quickly and have more time."

I'm holding you to that, friend!

In the meantime I'm going to get up, get moving, make a high point sandwich (yay for multigrain bread--lots of points but also lots of whole-grain goodness!)

Let's hope by the end of the day I'll be able to say it was a great day. *fingers crossed*

Day One

I am fat.

I am not: thick, big-boned, healthy (ha!), curvy, volumptuous, or plump.

I am fat.

And I'm tired of being fat. So I'm finally doing something about it. I joined a Biggest Loser competition (not affilicated with the tv show) and as of today it is game on!

Why did I join the competition? Because... I needed motivation. I needed to sit in a room with 199 other fat people who promise to lose weight too. I needed to sit in that room and size up my competition. I needed to sit in that room and find my bitch--my pace car so to speak. I needed that trigger to spring in my head that says "You are going to kick her ass."

It needs to be said I am a super-duper extremely competitive person. My friends and family actually kind of hate it. I'm Monica from Friends. Don't challenge me because I will take you up on it and shred you to pieces.

Is my approach bad? Probably. Do I care? Hell-to-the-no! If it is motivating me to lose weight and get into those skinny jeans--the kind sold in "regular" stores and not a store catering to the larger, more volumptuous woman--then it is so worth it!

So, even though I am intensely uneasy about admitting my weight, I'm still going to do it. I'm going to own it.

Starting weight: 232lb

I shutter thinking about that number. But if I'm serious about this, I need to be confident that number is going to change. By day 7, that number will be different.

How am I going to do it, you ask? Well, I started Weight Watchers. I've been a loser who's been paying for it for the past year, just haven't participated in it the last 9 months. But I went gung-ho today. I'm writing everything down, counting my points and working it!

Ok, that was food, what about exercise? Well, little ones let me tell you... I have a gym partner. Oh yes, I am in cahoots. After the biggest loser meeting last night, we sat down and scheduled out our gym time for the next week. It's game on for her too. We are doing this, we are doing this together, and we are going to kick some serious ass.

Remember my title... Day One. So yes, it is officially day one. Like I said, I went gung-ho today with the food. I'm thinking about everything I'm putting in my mouth. <insert inappropriate joke here> And then, this morning, I joined the Zumba nation.

Now...

...

...

I don't even know what to say about this experience. I've always prided myself on having rhythm. I could move with the best of them. But today... oh lordy, today was an embarrassment. Yes, I shook my ass but I think mostly because the fat was jiggling from all the movement. I didn't know any of the routines. I flailed around like an idiot and I sweated, oh my gosh did I sweat.

Zumba class = church
Me = whore

*I think that last equation has been made before*

Now, hours after the Zumba class I sit at my computer and type this and I wonder why we ever needed hamstrings. We don't need them. Why are they there? To cause me pain after Zumba, that's why. And my knees have officially gone on strike. I think I heard them this morning:



I swear this happened. And my legs aren't that disportionate.

I can say, this first day has kicked my butt. I'm having to force myself to drink the water I'm supposed to. I'm having to force myself to eat all my WW points (a problem I had last year too). And all I want to do is sit in a hot bath and sweet talk my knees into sticking with me for a few more decades.

Day One... done.